Estimation of Pain
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
MARCUS AURELIUS
I used to have my nose pierced… used to have my septum pierced too until it refused to heal on me. I always loved having my nose ring though, as it just made me feel more feminine, but sadly I lost it after losing all my nose rings doing BJJ. I’d take them out before every class, then forget to put it back in until the point that it was painful to shove it back into place. I told myself I’d go get it done again when I wasn’t activity rolling, maybe when I was out for my ankle surgery, but that never happened.
I was terrified of getting it done again. Even though I had it done around a decade ago, I still remembered how badly my eyes watered. I think what really scared me was my septum piercing because it was botched by the piercer; instead of hitting the little sweet spot, he crammed that thing through my cartilage. I lay on the table, tears gushing out of my face, as he took forever and a damn day to shove it through. I swear to god he was in there for well over a minute, fishing around for the exit. Later that night I ended up getting food poisoning… so you can imagine how miserable it is to throw up while with a fresh septum ring.
So even though I wanted my nostril pierced again, I was afraid of the pain. Silly, I know, as I’ve had multiple surgeries, broken plenty of things, and had two tattoos removed (which were brutal). What’s a 5 second piercing going to really do to me?
Thursday came around and I had decided that I was done waiting. I mustered up all the courage I could and brought along my friend Shaye for moral support. Plans were made to pick her up, I puffed up my chest… and immediate got sick from dread. Stupid. I’m a grown ass woman. Why is this bothering me so much?
But I was committed. Involving Shaye in my plot added to the commitment… now I had a witness to me being a little bitch if I backed out. By the time I sat in the chair I was so tense, my thighs felt like jell-o. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and let her shove that thing into my nose where the previous one was. My eye watered and it was over in a blink… all of that stress for absolutely nothing.
The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. We make mountains out of mole hills… worry about the outcome well before we even begin… we avoid the tough conversations and let resentment breed inside us rather than just getting it over with. The anticipation of getting my nose pierce haunted me for years, made me sick to my stomach hours before, but the act itself was absolutely nothing.
Absolutely nothing. Yet I made it bigger than it actually was. What are you doing that’s the same? Quitting that job you hate? Facing your fear of intimacy? Avoiding hard conversations? Avoiding going to the gym? 90% of what we suffer is all the pre-moment stage… the other 10% is the actual thing itself. Think about that next time when you feel full of dread.
