Chrysalis

I’ve been walking a lot more than usual. Like… 4-8 miles every day kind of walking (and that’s not counting the 80 miles I did in two weeks at Guadalupe). And as I walk, I think… I ponder… I muse… Even if I’m doing Crossfit in the morning and jiu jitsu in the evening, I still go walk. It’s habitual at this point.

Sometimes I’ll listen to music, or a podcast, but this morning as I woke up (stir crazy because I can’t work out for another day with my fresh tattoo) I decided that all I wanted to do is listen to the world around me. Enjoy the stillness that exists.

For the past few days, after an overwhelming sense of calmness and acceptance washed over me, I’ve been stirring inside. I was feeling this deep, soul defining whirlwind inside my chest… not of anxiety… but something inside me was forming. With time, the shape of that was coming more and more into focus.

Self-discovery, healing, improvement, etc… it’s a messy business often wrought with resistance. This is why people get stuck in their own ways… they refuse to lean into the discomfort, but that’s exactly where progress is found. Not to be cliche, but it’s really like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly (or a moth… which… I mean those are kind of the dumbest bugs of the animal kingdom so… this analogy only goes so far).

But that caterpillar eventually forms a “chrysalis” (which I have learned is NOT a strippers name), where they lie in stasis, breaking down into a nasty, gooey form that takes shape. Just like you when you experience trials in life: you become a yucky mess of a person, maybe you embarrass yourself a little bit, you let your lizard brain hijack your sense of self and strip off all your armor so the world can see your insecurities. But in that nasty goo, you repurpose those broken pieces of yourself to form something so much grander.

You either become a butterfly out of it or a moth… the choice is yours.
I’ve been that butterfly before… then I got smushed on a windshield at 65 MPH… but it’s ok now! Circle of life… back to being a caterpillar for a moment.

The point is, I remember being in this messy state of metamorphosis in the Spring-Summer of 2021. Out of that, I became “Linnie 2.0,” but something about this inside makes me feel like I’m becoming much more than I did before… not a 3.0, but as if I’ve skipped a few revisions and am jumping the staircase to 5.0.

There’s many reasons why I think this is the case and why I struggle less with this chapter than I did 4 years ago, even though the depth and magnitude is much bigger this time around… so am I.

Your Opponents

After I got back from my walk, I did my standard morning routine: I check my work email, make my breakfast, sit down at my desk, and scroll through social media for a second before returning to my work duties. Still my insides swirl, not in an unsettling way, but in anticipation that I’m about to see something clearly. That focus I mentioned before. The picture is coming into view of what I am about to become…

Kinda like that “Who’s that Pokemon?” game but on a deep, existential level…

God I hope I’m right…

Then I saw a post by my friend, Simona, about Rose Namajunes (or “Thug Rose” as she is known in the UFC). Within the first 10 seconds of the video I was hooked… electrified even. There’s a nugget of wisdom to be found in here, I just knew it.

You know I admire fighters who are humble, and show kindness. I spoke about this awhile ago when I talked about how I admired Roxanne Modafferi for being “The Happy Warrior.” Thug Rose also embodies these traits, specifically kindness and compassion for the world around her. Being kind is the biggest flex anyone can do, as it shows empathy and that empathy comes from vulnerability and that vulnerability comes from courage. Anything less is weak ass energy.

In this video, the clip ends during an interview of her speaking about her opponents. You see, Thug Rose doesn’t waste a whole lot of her time flapping her gums about her opponents… how they did her wrong, how she’s better than they are, etc etc. She views her opponents in a positive light. What she said was: “You need your opponent just as much as your training partner and your teammates and your coaches…”

Here, let me put it in fancy script and big bold letters for you all…

“You need your opponent just as much as your training partner and your teammates and your coaches…” - Rose Namajunes

Toxic hustle culture has taught us to shit on our opponents. Crush them. Destroy them. The internet is filled with trite where we pin fighters against each other, people shitting on their exes, people shitting on each other… people missing the damn point.

There is a poem and it’s theme is often spoken a lot in therapy: “No man is an island,” by John Donne. The whole idea behind it is that no man is an island, but is part of a larger collective. They are the sum of every single person they have in their life… the good and the bad. You’re a sum of that too… your parents, your friends, your mentors, your colleagues, your lovers, your exes…

It’s gratitude that we lack in order for us to grow. We are not grateful for our opponents because we fail to see the larger lesson in all of it. You have to have gratitude for everyone you’ve ever faced off against… because in the game of fighting you are “against” them… but at the end of the day you’re actually WITH them. You’re WITH them in this battle of transcendence, and as the video said: “shared adversity.”

Without an opponent, you don’t have a fight, and the RIGHT opponent will be a force that pushes you to the next level you never thought possible.

Your coaches, teach you techniques… give advise…

Your training partners and teammates, they’re there to be a testing ground for those techniques and advise.

Your opponent is where it all comes together. In this context, your opponent doesn’t always have to be your adversary. You’re in that adversity TOGETHER in that moment. Your opponent, is a mirror that reflects your weaknesses and strengths. Lean into that moment. Lean into that experience.

At the end of the day you go home, you treat your boo boo’s, you find the gaps in your game. Maybe you’ll get a rematch… maybe you won’t. But you can’t train your game to focus on a rematch that may never come again. You have to train to focus on the next opponent, whom you have no idea what their game is… but you know your propensity for your weak spots.

So, let’s get straight up about this and not speak in analogies for a moment…

Let’s say your opponent is your spouse, your friend, your ex, your whatever. I know most people will flinch at the thought of me considering any one of those categories an opponent (“My husband is my best friend! Not my opponent!” sure Tina… until one of you disagrees on your holiday plans… just go with this for a moment). Your opponents and training partners switch roles from time to time. Sometimes you’re in a partnership with your spouse, sometimes they’re an opponent… an opponent is whomever is offering you resistance to what you want.

That adversity is going to teach you a lot about yourself. You opponent (who’s in this shit with you) is going to do things that will see your gaps. Maybe you’re too passive or maybe you have unresolved trauma. Maybe you’re anxiously attached. Maybe you’re insecure. Maybe you’re afraid of loss. Maybe you self sabotage. Maybe you lack boundaries. Maybe you are quick to anger. Whatever it is, your opponent is going to bring it out of you.

They’re going to bring about a certain level of discomfort in you. All the best opponents do.

You can cave into resignation and just let them beat the crap out of you, forfeit because you’re afraid of what they’ll show you, or step up into the octagon. In TWO of those instances you won’t learn anything… you won’t grow. But if you want to be the best you can be, you have to get in there and touch gloves. You have to risk being hurt, humbled, or humiliated if you want to grow. Life is all about risks. You can’t live a solid life without taking any of them, including matters of the heart OR matters of the ego.

Regardless, be grateful for your opponents and the lessons you learn TOGETHER.