I’m Sorry I’m Not Taller…
I read a post the other day that said “ever wonder how different your life would be if that one thing never happened?” I read this post as Alexis and I were driving to an REI in Oxnard. It gave me great pause because despite what was happening, I was grateful for the experience that was so close to nearly being missed.
It started with that viral video I made in April 2020 about children watching movies (aka the “Frozen” video). I had made the video on a complete whim. You see, for years I’ve been trying to make people laugh and making funny videos for all my friends to see. I always wanted to be famous, but as I got older that became less and less of a dream and the focus was just to entertain friends. So one night as I was walking in from the garage I thought that it was silly how children watch movies. They’re so into it! Their body moves involuntarily and they have zero shame about being so engrossed into something. I shot, edited, and produced the video in about 15 minutes… including making the Fluffer Nutter sandwich. What happened next took me by complete surprise.
By morning I had over 50 friends requests and several thousands of views. I had so many messages from my friends telling me I was going viral. I had immediately shut off my friends request feature and had to hide the notifications from my post just so I can get things done. It was wild! I didn’t want to lose the steam I had… maybe I could finally have a comedy page like I always dreamed of! On a whim I made the instagram handle “PumpkinSpicyFit” to have people follow my fitness journey and comedy. Within a week I had 1.3 MILLION ORGANIC VIEWS and all of the stats above. I immediately got overwhelmed from the attention it gave me and I was faced with the decision: let it keep going organically as it was steam rolling ahead or shut it down. I made one of the hardest decisions of my entire life and chose to shut it down, turning it private and ceasing any potential for me to be internet famous. I had thought that this is what I always wanted, but the fame still made me feel empty inside.
But out of those 1.3 million people one caught my eye; a beautiful nurse. She had added me on my fake Instagram. Normally I didn’t follow people back or look at their profile but this one I clicked on. She had a rainbow in her profile, like me. Could she be like me too? I didn’t think much of it, I just followed and proceeded on with my life.
We’d watch each other stories not saying a word. Eventually I’d start pouring over her profile trying to figure out who she was. Something just drew me to her. Eventually, I commented on her story about finally getting dressed during the pandemic and she commented about my description of some Amazon Basic Bermuda shorts I bought for $20 (which are quite comfy might I add). And that’s how we found love: over Frozen and Amazon Bermuda shorts.
Well not entirely. We became really great friends talking for hours about school and medicine and being baby gays and adventures and divorce and life. We developed a deep friendship, which we slowly became more and more vulnerable with each other. I had only been this vulnerable with one other person in my entire life, and suddenly I found myself even more vulnerable with her than I have ever been. It felt like we were two comets screeching towards each other.
I was invited to come meet her at her friends house just an hour away and then we’d all go to a cabin in Big Bear for a fun weekend getaway. I found myself walking up to the front door with my palms damp with sweat, which surprised me as I rarely get nervous. I had planned on saying “I’m sorry I’m not taller” when she opened the door (she’s 5’11 and I’m 5’5) but the moment she opened the door I found myself at a loss for words, as was she. That’s how I knew this was something much different than just great friends. The rest is history.
She grew up next to me too. Only about 2 hours away, in Lake Arrowhead. How is it that of all the people who saw my video and all the people I ignored that I met someone just like me who grew up 2 hours away from me in totally different worlds (me a ranch kid and her in a well-to-do family)?
She later told me that when she saw my video the first time she knew I was just like her: a baby gay who spent the first half of their life in heterosexual relationships. She too was instantly drawn to me, and wanted to reach out to me for the longest time.
A few days ago I had packed her a box of mementos before my departure: some books, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” (a classic that’s my personal favorite that I give to everyone who has meant something to me that is about to go on a journey in life), a diary of my inner thoughts of grief as we spent our last month together, my SAR patches, and the t-shirt I wore when I did that video. It was supposed to be a sweet, sentimental gift, but in the end, tempers flared, and I gave it to her early. Throughout our time together, I never got angry. Frustrated, duh, because we’re all human, but never angry. As I cycled through my grief in anger, I told her I wish I had never made that Frozen video, and promptly handed her the box. It was an absolute low blow of me, and I almost instantly regretted saying it the moment it left my lips. I was hurt… humiliated… tired… scared for the future… and tired of having salt repeatedly poured into my wounds as the final days of us living together were coming to an end, and I saw our once happy home slowly become a fortress of boxes.
The warning bells in my head started going off, “You’re blowing it, you’re blowing it, you’re blowing it!” I realized I had nothing nice to say, so I walked out and drove to the beach to cool off before I pulled us both down into this well of despair I was in.
Hate can’t exist with love and vise versa. Hate is the antithesis of love. Or at least so I thought. Turns out hate and love are two sides of the same coin. Still, there’s a line drawn in the sand: you do not intentionally wound the people you love. Her oldest son once messaged me and told me, “Thank you for being the only one to make my mom happy,” and here I was causing her the pain I felt. My toes froze on the cold sand of the San Buenaventura State Beach as I walked past a guy getting drunk on a bench, a homeless woman pushing a stroller cart, and a shady man looking for a score. Maybe this is where all the poor souls go to drown their shame like me. I sat on the ground watching the waves roll in with the full moonlight, freezing my ass off… as I deserved.
“I am not a monster. I am not a cruel person. I am not uncontrollable. I am not mean. I am not vindictive. I am not him,” became my mantra as I mentally dug my way out of this grave I made myself. I could have gone home and got drunk, but I didn’t. Could have self-medicated my misery, but I didn’t. I needed to feel this discomfort. I needed to remember that love had to prevail over anger. I needed to remember that I am not on this beach by mere chance.
Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me but… this ALL didn’t happen by chance. Think about it:
Had I never randomly thought of a silly skit that took all of 15 minutes to think up and film…
Had I not had those first few people share it that lead to 1.3 million people seeing it…
Had I not knee jerk reacted and made a fake Instagram account…
Had she not randomly seen my video…
Had she not had the guts to find me and follow me on IG…
Had I not randomly followed back that ONE OFF follower…
Had I not randomly commented on her story…
I would not have been on that beach that night…
I would have not made this website…
I would have not sold all my things to go on this adventure…
I would have not met the wonderful people I knew in Camarillo…
I would have not known that being a Step Mom was something I wanted to be; I would have never have known that love I was capable of having…
I would have not had the courage to come out…
I would have not met someone I loved so dearly and all the other people in her orbit I’d come to love too.
I am a very logical person. I’m agnostic, a firm believer in science, and someone that tries to implore reason whenever possible. But this… this just almost never happened. This was… magic. Beyond anything words can really describe (except I’m sure Chaos Theory could describe it but that’s not romantic at all).
Shut the fuck up, Dr. Malcolm!
I know most people will say it’s just infatuation or the romance of the story, but it’s not. I’ve dated several people, was married to one, and each one feels different. This was different… in ways I can’t even begin to touch upon. I think it’s because it was my first love living as my authentic self. That’s always the hardest.
This hurts beyond anything I have ever felt before. I keep busy to stave off the horrible plummeting feelings I get throughout the day; the stomach drops, except it feels like my soul is literally stuck in a gravity well below my feet. I once told Alexis, “The plus side to this heartbreak is that I’m going to make some very beautiful art.”
But you know something… had I known, I would have felt the worst pain imaginable had I made that video…
… I’d still make it again.
